A judge rejected a DIY divorce after 30 years of marriage — why gray divorce without a lawyer can cost you millions

A DIY divorce can be tempting for couples who just want it over with and want to save upwards of $18,000 in legal fees. But money saved upfront may be lost when it comes down to a judge's ruling — and long-term outcomes.

DIY divorces can be a costly mess for older couples in their 60s, 70s and 80s going through gray divorces. Take it from family lawyer Grace Roessler of Mirick law firm in Massachusetts. She witnessed such a situation in court.

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"The woman said, 'I want to be done,' and the judge refused," Roessler told Moneywise, noting that the judge didn't think the terms the couple had agreed to were fair to the wife. "Most of those agreements are unenforceable because they're not equitable after 30-plus years of marriage where one partner has $30,000 and the other has $1.5 million," she said.

She spoke to Moneywise about how older partners going through a gray divorce can protect themselves legally and financially.

She said one common trigger for gray divorce is when one spouse has lacked financial autonomy and starts to pull back the curtain on their household finances to learn just how much money is (or isn't) in joint accounts.

Roessler said this process is essential for anyone considering a divorce — and can provide much-needed ammunition to come to an agreement. It also helps an attorney set realistic expectations at the start of the divorce process.

She recommends that a spouse do their groundwork by making an inventory of shared assets (like a home) and liabilities (like a mortgage).

If a spouse won't provide your joint tax returns, you can get them from the accountant who prepared them. Alternatively, you can ask the IRS for a copy. If your taxes are filed jointly, all you need is to provide your name, as you're listed on the tax returns.

The returns will reveal things like dividend and interest income from investments and 401(k) distributions — which may be news to some spouses.

Roessler said this can provide fresh evidence about the family finances.

"A lot of people assume that their spouse was taking care of everything and then they discover that there's a credit card they didn't know about," she said.

If you decide to file for divorce by complaint (as opposed to by joint petition), you get subpoena power to access this information.

Roessler noted that different states have different rules on how long an ex-spouse has to pay alimony. In Massachusetts, if you've been married for 10 to 20 years, there's a time limit.

That's why when she's representing a spouse who would end up paying alimony, she encourages them to file for divorce as soon as possible so that time limit can start ticking. If she's representing the spouse who would be the beneficiary, she recommends they take their time to file.

Usually spouses stop paying alimony when they reach Social Security age, but there's a new wrinkle with gray divorce. More people are working past that age. Roessler saw a judge tell an older spouse whose partner was working that they could seek an extension to their alimony. It's a good idea to talk to a lawyer in these situations.

She added that as more people have children in their 40s and later, there could also be young children in the picture, so child support becomes a consideration.

"There's a potential you could be paying child support long past your retirement," she said.

Rules vary by state. In Florida, child support ends when a child reaches 19 years. In Massachusetts, however, it ends when the child is 26. Talking to a lawyer familiar with these state laws is essential for your child's sake.

Then there are aging spouses and adult children with special needs. While most states assume a fair divorce settlement is a 50/50 division of assets, judges may make exceptions.

That happened in one of her client's cases where the spouse needed special care. A fair agreement was reached where the spouse received more than 50% of the assets but their care was assured.

With so much complexity and financial security at stake, Roessler says it's better for all affected parties if divorcing spouses seek legal help first.

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This article originally appeared on Moneywise.com under the title: A judge rejected a DIY divorce after 30 years of marriage — why gray divorce without a lawyer can cost you millions

This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without warranty of any kind.